RIIIIIING!!! Back to School, Everybody!!

Summer break's worst enemy is entering the ring: The beginning of a new school year. You know what that means: first day back. Yes boys and girls, we are going back to first day jitters. The excitement of meeting old friends, the hopes of making new ones, everybody trying to give good impressions with their brand-spankin'-new school clothes, and the worries of finding your classrooms on time. Yes, its all very exciting. Most people even look forward to it. But I don't. You see, I'm not one people would call "socially acceptable". I don't have fancy new clothes, I'm not popular, and I'm not the best with words. I can't even fit in by the simple means of having a phone! That's right, laugh it up. A teenager in high school? Is it even possible?! Well, I am here to tell you that it is. As a teen, I'm expected to (not so) secretly loathe my parents for making me go through the daily torture (also known as high school) without a phone. Nonetheless, I am not upset. Frustrated at times, yes, but not at them. Anyways, my point being that I'm usually the one that is in the back of class that nobody will remember or think of, unless it's to vaguely wonder if I am capable of even talking, or if I'm just a brain dead zombie, wasting my time wandering the halls that permanently smell of stale cologne, perfume, and dirty gym socks. So with the beginning of a new school year, I've decided to to have a "School Year's Resolution". What is it? you might ask. Well, I'll tell you. This year, I'm going to try to get out of my comfort zone a little bit more. Maybe try to talk to people, and if people try to talk to me, I will try to keep up a conversation with them instead of grunting and staring at my sneakers. Maybe I'll even join a club or something. That might be fun! Or maybe it'll be a total flop. Did I mention I was a worrier? Worrier or not, I'm going to try to be more outgoing and try to break out of my shell. Look out world, AJB coming through!

Loner...

Do you ever feel alone? Even when you are surrounded by people? Yes? Good. At least I'm not the only one. I have never been the popular one. Ever. I have my close best friend or two, but after that, I'm just an acquaintance. Like I hang out with me, but they never really acknowledge that I'm there. When we are is a group, I am always at the outside ring. When I say something, people look at me like I'm some kind of idiot who doesn't know what she's talking about. And then someone says it five minutes later, and everybody laughs like it's the most hilarious thing in the world. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be popular? I don't know all of it, but I think one of the reasons is that I'm not the most social person in the world. I suck at conversations. I never know what to say, so I freeze up or do the one-word answers. Then people think I'm stuck-up, standoffish, or just plain ol' dumb. My mom doesn't understand. I try to explain that I just CAN'T and she just doesn't get it. When I try to tell her, she gets all upset, tries to convince both of us that she knows what I'm going through and how I feel, when she actually doesn't and then we end up arguing, with her all up in a huff, and me trying not to cry (f.y.i I am a crier when it comes to sad parts in movies and books, when I get a "boo-boo", and when I get all heated up with anger, sadness, and/or frustration) She says she went through the same thing but its hard to believe that when she was one of those popular cheerleaders in high school, a retired dancer who use to preform a lot, and whose job every day is to talk and communicate with people (for the most part) Why can't I just be a normal person who can have normal conversations with people and not go into shut-down mode or anything? Why do I feel so alone?

Understanding Guys: Is It Even Possible?!

I wish I could understand guys. One minute they can be so sweet, and the next, a pain in the rear. What is the cause for posting this? Well, let me tell you... So, we were at a church dance, and a group of friends and I went. While we were there, my girl friends and I had a contest going on. Whoever got asked to dance first, got to choose partners for the other two girls. What's so bad about that? The fact that WE had to ask THEM. It may not be a very big deal to some people, but for someone with social issues like me, it was TERRIFYING!! So I thought to myself, "Well, self, you aren't a total hideous monster. You have a shot at this at least." So I did all the right moves: I stood by myself, gave every guy that walked by that look (You know the one. The one that says hey-you're-cool-and-I-totally-wouldn't-mind-dancing-with-you-if-you-asked), had all my makeup done nicely...the whole sha-bang. Unfortunately, I wasn't asked first. So who did my friend to choose to dance with? The really funny guy that I just happened to know. It was made worse by the fact that he's about, oh, 6'2" and I'm a mere 5'1". So after my friend literally dragged me over to him, I was forced to ask him to dance, which btw was COMPLETELY embarrassing, we did a weird dance where we were in slow-dance position, but during a fast song, which means that we were moving side to side kind of fast, and with our height difference, I was JUMPING on my TIPPY TOES while he was practically dragging me around. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but really embarrassing. But then it got even better... During the whole night, he kept saying "hi _my name_!" And basically actually acted like he noticed me, which btw no guys really pay attention to me a whole lot. Go figure. Added to the fact that everyone kept saying that he liked me, I, being the stupid naïve girl that I am, thought that he liked me too. See, here's the thing; I usually don't really like a guy unless 1)I think he likes me first, and 2) if I am actually attracted to him back. I don't mean to do it, it's just kind of the way I'm programed. So when he did all this stuff and everyone was making a big deal out of it, of course I fell. It only took about, oh, two days, to realize that he didn't really like me, and that he was just playing around. But I had already fallen. I thought about him a lot. It just wasn't healthy. So that's how I'm here now. I have mostly gotten over him, and I've sworn to my self that I won't like anyone again unless I know FOR SURE that they like me first. It's the only way to not get heart broken until you've actually loved. It may be lonelier this way, but I'm use to being alone. Man, I really wish I could understand guys.